When Their Sibling Dies: How to Support Children After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
One of the hardest things I have ever done, besides saying goodbye to my daughter Evelyn, was sitting down to explain to my two little girls that their baby sister had died. There are no words that make sense in a moment like that. There is no perfect script. Just a mama’s broken heart, trying to speak gently into a moment that shattered our entire world.
Our kids may not understand death the way we do, but they feel it. They feel the shift. They feel the silence. And they feel our pain, whether we talk about it or not. So we have to talk about it. We have to support them. We have to show up for them in the aftermath of loss, even when we feel like we have nothing left to give.
This blog is for you if you’re a parent trying to navigate grief while also parenting your living children. It is one of the hardest balancing acts we will ever do. But it is also one of the most important.
How Sibling Loss Affects Children
After a baby dies, the entire family dynamic shifts. Children who were expecting a sibling might be confused, scared, angry, or silent. They may act out or withdraw. They may not say anything at all, but they feel everything. Their grief is expressed in waves, through behavior, body language, and play. According to the National Alliance for Children’s Grief, children often revisit their grief at different developmental stages: meaning the loss of a sibling may reemerge as they grow, even years later.
Supporting them early and consistently can help reduce long-term emotional distress and prevent complicated grief responses later in life.
As parents, especially as grieving parents, this feels like a massive responsibility. But the good news is that supporting our children does not mean being perfect. It means being present. It means being honest. It means being willing to hold space for their pain, even as we carry our own.
Start With Honesty (In Words They Can Understand)
Children need the truth, but they need it in words that make sense for their age.
The words I used with my daughters (4 & 5) were something like this:
“ I have something really sad to tell you. Baby Evelyn died. Her body stopped working, and she could not stay with us. It’s okay to feel sad or confused. You can ask me anything, anytime.” My 5-year-old daughter was old enough to ask questions, so we talked about the placenta and how it fell off too early, and because it was what kept Baby Evelyn alive, she died without it being attached to mama.
These may not be the right words for you; you may be scared to tell them too much or be direct, but the best advice I can give is to be as direct as you can for their age and what you know they can handle. As they grow older, you can explain in more detail if they ask and want to know more.
The American Academy of Pediatrics emphasizes the importance of using concrete, developmentally appropriate language when explaining death to children. Avoid euphemisms like “sleeping,” “gone away,” or “lost.” These words may increase fear and confusion. Instead, use clear, direct words: died, body stopped working, not coming back. Your tone matters more than getting the words perfect. You can be calm and sad at the same time. You can cry. You can say, “I don’t know,” if they ask questions you cannot answer. Let your child know it is safe to talk to you about their sibling.
Validate All Feelings (Even the Ones That Surprise You)
Children might say unexpected things:
“Can we still have her toys?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“I wish she had never come.”
“I don’t want another baby.”
“I am mad at her.”
“How does her body fit in there (the urn)?”
According to the Child Mind Institute, naming and validating feelings helps children build emotional resilience and feel safer in the chaos of grief.All of these are normal reactions. Your child is trying to make sense of something that does not make sense. They are grieving, but they are also scared, insecure, and craving stability.
Validate what they feel without trying to fix it. Try responses like:
“It’s okay to feel that way. I feel sad and mad too.”
“You didn’t cause this. This is not your fault.”
“It’s okay to be happy one minute and sad the next.”
Gentle Ways to Honor the Baby Together
Another way to help siblings is to include them in memory-making and bonding. This is very personal, and not everyone feels this way. In my own healing journey, I have found that including my girls in remembering Evelyn gave them something to hold onto. It helped normalize their sadness. It gave us all a way to keep loving her.
- Here are some simple, gentle ways to involve siblings in honoring their baby:
- Let them choose a special toy or blanket to leave with the baby
- Create art or write letters to the baby together
- Pick a candle to light on birthdays or anniversaries
- Look through photos, ultrasound pictures, or memory boxes together
- Make a tradition, like baking a cake or going for a walk each year on the baby’s birthday
These acts create a connection and allow your child to process grief through love.
Let Them See Your Grief — Without Overwhelming Them
Our kids need to see that we are human. That we cry. That we hurt. That we miss their baby sibling too.
But they also need to know that we are still their safe place.
The balance here is in allowing emotion without overwhelming them. You can cry in front of your children. You can say, “I’m sad today because I miss the baby.” But also follow it with, “I’m okay, and I’ll always be here for you.”
If your grief feels unmanageable or you feel you are unable to parent through it, that is your sign to reach for support. Therapy, support groups, and grief-informed coaching can help you process the deep pain while still showing up for your living children.
Create Routine and Stability After Loss
Another very important topic when it comes to siblings is to make sure routine is a part of their everyday life. After a loss, everything feels unpredictable. Children, especially younger ones, thrive on routine and structure. According to Zero to Three, consistent routines provide a sense of safety and normalcy during times of upheaval. This does not mean everything needs to be rigid or scheduled. It just means giving your child anchors in the day:
- Regular meals and bedtimes
- Predictable transitions (e.g. after school, we have a snack and play)
- Reassurance that the adults in their life are still here
- Even saying, “Tonight we’ll have dinner and watch a movie,” gives a child something to look forward to. That’s a powerful tool when their world feels uncertain.
Help Them Understand That Grief Changes Over Time
We want to normalize that life and grief coexist and it fluctuates and changes daily. This is real life, this is how we survive these devastating experiences. We flip between sadness, melancholy, joy, happiness, and that is what we want our children to understand. There is no right or wrong way to grieve for our loved ones, and it is ongoing. Grief does not end after the funeral (if you have one, we didn’t). It resurfaces in waves. Siblings may have new questions or new feelings over time.
- Around birthdays
- During holidays
- When they see other families with new babies
- When they reach an age where they understand more
Make it safe to revisit the conversation often. Let them know they can always ask questions, share memories, or talk about their baby brother or sister.
You might say:
“It’s okay to miss your baby sister even though she never got to come home.”
“I miss her too, and I’m always here if you want to talk about her.”
“It’s okay if you don’t feel like talking about her right now. We all grieve differently.”
When to Seek Extra Support
If your child is struggling to express their emotions or if you notice changes in their behavior, it might be helpful to involve a child therapist or grief counselor. There are grief support groups just for children, like those offered by the Dougy Center or The National Alliance for Children’s Grief. Even one or two sessions can make a huge difference. If these do not exist near you, utilizing local community resources or even a simple Google search can help.
Some signs your child might benefit from extra support include:
- Aggression or withdrawal
- Changes in eating or sleep
- Repeated physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
- Regression in behaviors (bedwetting, clinginess)
- Persistent anxiety or fear
A Final Word to Grieving Parents
Grief is not something children outgrow. It is something they grow with. Give them tools to carry it with love, not silence. At the end of the day, supporting siblings after loss is not about having all the answers. It is about showing up with love. It is about making room for their sadness while holding onto the hope that they will be okay. It is about honoring the baby who died while also nurturing the children who are still here.
I do not do this perfectly. No one does. But what I have learned is that love, spoken out loud, shown in small ways, given even in the midst of grief, makes all the difference.
So if you are here, trying your best to walk this path and parent through it… I see you. You are doing the impossible. And you are doing it with so much heart.
With Heart,
Vallen
Meet Vallen
I’m Vallen Webb. I’m a mom to five, a bereavement and postpartum doula, a podcast host, a grief advocate, and the founder of Evelyn James & Company. But more than that, I’m just a mom who had to learn how to live again after her baby died.
And if you’re walking that path too, I see you. I love you. And I’m here.
Find more resources created by Vallen at Evelyn James & Company.
Other articles in this series by Vallen:
Supporting Dads and Partners After Baby Loss: How to Grieve, Lead, and Heal Together
Pregnant After Loss: Holding Fear, Hope, and Everything In Between
When Their Sibling Dies: How to Support Children After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
Community, Culture, and Compassion: Healing Together After Baby Loss
Complicated Motherhood: Navigating the Before and After of Baby Loss
Supportive Resources Selected by Vallen
Books & Guides
Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Lewis
An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken
The Worst Girl Gang Ever by Bex Gunn & Laura Buckingham
The Baby Loss Guide by Zoe Clark-Coates
Whole: Navigating the Trauma of Pregnancy Loss by Heather Dolson
Pregnancy Loss Affirmation Coloring Book
Pregnancy and Baby Loss Guided Journal
Organizations & Support
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Remembrance Photography
Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Groups
Postpartum Support International (Hotline, Provider Directory & Resources)
Evelyn James & Co Support Guides
Shop
Evelyn James Grief Marketplace
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