Pregnant After Loss: Holding Fear, Hope, and Everything In Between

Pregnancy after loss is one of the most complex and emotional journeys you will ever walk.

I want to start this blog by saying that if you’re here, reading this, you are already brave. You are already doing the hard thing. Choosing to try again, to hope again, to love again after the unimaginable. This is not a light decision. It is a courageous one. And whether this is your first pregnancy after loss or your third, please know: you are not alone.

When I became pregnant after Evelyn died, I did not glow. I did not breathe easily. I held my breath between every appointment, every ultrasound, every quiet moment. There were days I could not function. There were nights I barely slept. I didn’t trust my body, my providers, or the world. And I certainly didn’t trust that I could survive another loss. I just wanted a different ending this time. This blog is for you if you are walking this tightrope between joy and terror. This is what I have learned through my own experience, through supporting other parents, and through evidence-based support and care.

One of the hardest parts of pregnancy after loss is that people will often treat it like a reset. But this is not a fresh start. This is not a clean slate. You are still carrying the grief of your last pregnancy, and that grief lives right beside the new life growing inside you.

Let me say this clearly: this new baby does not replace the one you lost.

And yet, the love you feel for them will be real, layered, and just as deep. You will carry both. You already are.

A 2018 study published in the journal BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth* found that mothers pregnant after a stillbirth experience significantly higher levels of anxiety, fear, and emotional vulnerability throughout their pregnancy. This is not just “in your head.” The grief, the trauma, the stress, it all stays with you. And it can make this new experience feel like walking through a minefield. But that doesn’t mean you are broken. It means you are navigating something incredibly tender and real.

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The Importance of Trauma-Informed Prenatal Care

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When you are pregnant after loss, you deserve to be treated with gentleness, respect, and trauma-informed care. This means care providers who listen to you, who respect your intuition, who give you choices, and who never minimize your fear.

If your provider brushes off your anxiety with “everything looks great” but never asks how you are really feeling, that is a red flag. You are allowed to ask for more frequent monitoring. You are allowed to request ultrasounds just for peace of mind. You are allowed to ask the same question five times.

According to Postpartum Support International, parents who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss are at greater risk for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders in subsequent pregnancies. The need for mental health support is not optional; it is essential. If your provider cannot offer this kind of support, you have every right to find one who can. Your needs matter.

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How to Care for Yourself When You Are Expecting After Grief

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You are not the same person you were before your loss. That means your pregnancy will not feel the same, and your care needs to look different, too.

Here are some evidence-based and experience-backed tools that may help:

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1. Build a support team

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This may include a doula, a therapist, a bereavement-informed midwife or OB, and a support group of other loss parents. Let your team know your triggers, your history, and your boundaries. You don’t have to explain yourself over and over again.

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2. Practice grounding rituals

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When the anxiety builds up, your nervous system needs a place to land. Grounding rituals can be as simple as breathwork, journaling, or placing your hands on your belly and saying, “Right now, we are okay.” Mindfulness-based interventions have been shown to reduce anxiety in pregnancy. Try to stay present without spiraling into “what if.”

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3. Create a layered birth plan

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This means planning for your ideal scenario, but also outlining what you need if things don’t go as planned. Include emotional needs, communication preferences, your baby’s memory-making options, and your postpartum support plan.

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4. Prepare emotionally for every possibility

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This does not mean you’re inviting something bad to happen. It means giving yourself space to acknowledge all the parts of your truth. Love and fear can live in the same room.

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Bonding With Baby After Loss

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One of the most complicated parts of pregnancy after loss is connecting with the new baby growing inside you. Some parents feel scared to bond, worried it will hurt more if they lose them. Others throw themselves fully into connection, soaking up every moment just in case it is all they get.

There is no right or wrong way to bond. For me, it took time. I also experienced gender disappointment when I found out Rainbow Baby #1 was a boy. I remember exactly where I was, what I was doing, and how I felt when I got the phone call from the nurse. I wanted a little girl. The one that was taken from me. I  knew it still wouldn’t be Evelyn, but that is what I thought I needed. Towards the end of my pregnancy, around 8 months, I started feeling connected and even excited that I was having a little boy. Who knew how it would change my entire world, and it was exactly what I needed. 

Bonding with your baby isn’t always this instantaneous moment. It can actually take time, even after the baby is born, some parents still may not feel “that” bond. Don’t be discouraged. Talk to your baby if it feels good. Write letters. Sing lullabies. Read Books.  Call them by name. Let yourself love them. You are not betraying your baby who died; you are building a bridge that will hold your grief and your love. The duality that this experience brings. 

Some families create rituals during pregnancy: lighting a candle each week, writing in a shared journal, choosing a song for each baby. These small acts build connection and trust in a body and world that may still feel unsafe. You can honor both babies at the same time. 

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What To Say When People Say The Wrong Thing

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People will say things like, “At least you’re pregnant again,” or “This is your rainbow.” You may even hear, “See? Everything happens for a reason.” Most of it comes from a place of love, but it still hurts.

You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to say, “This pregnancy is really hard for me,” or “Please don’t minimize my grief.” You don’t owe anyone a performance of joy. Your truth is enough.

Some responses you can try:

• “Thank you, but this baby does not erase our loss.”
  
  
• “We are holding both joy and sadness right now.”
  
  
• “We’re taking it day by day. This is not easy for us.”
  
  

Preparing for Birth After Loss

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Labor and delivery after a stillbirth or miscarriage is layered with memory. For many of us, the birthing space is full of trauma. Triggers can be everywhere: the monitors, the nurses’ words, the smell of the room.

This is why birth preparation for loss parents must include emotional and sensory planning. Think about:

• What you want the room to feel like
• Who you want (and do not want) present
• What kind of language helps you feel safe
• Whether you want a photographer or a birth doula
• If you need to give birth in a different hospital or birth center ( like I did)
  
  

Communicate your history and preferences ahead of time. You can also ask for a dedicated nurse who understands your experience. Birth after loss deserves special attention. After Evelyn died, I thought I would never be able to carry life again. When I did, I felt like I was walking through fire. But slowly, I found moments of peace. I let myself love again. I let myself trust again, just a little at a time. Baby Emmett did not save me. But he softened some of the sharp edges of my grief. He taught me that I could hold my pain and enormous love for him and his sister(s) at the same time. Pregnancy after loss is not about forgetting. It is about expanding. Your heart is big enough to hold them both.

If you are pregnant after loss, or trying to be, or wondering if you ever will be, you are part of this sacred, brave circle of parents who love fiercely and feel deeply. Your story matters. Your experience deserves support. Your grief is real, and your hope is real too.

There is life after loss. And there is also love after loss. You get to have both.

With Heart,
Vallen

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Meet Vallen

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I’m Vallen Webb. I’m a mom to five, a bereavement and postpartum doula, a podcast host, a grief advocate, and the founder of Evelyn James & Company. But more than that, I’m just a mom who had to learn how to live again after her baby died.

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And if you’re walking that path too, I see you. I love you. And I’m here.

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Find more resources created by Vallen at Evelyn James & Company.

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References

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• Gravensteen IK, et al. “Anxiety, depression and relationship satisfaction in women pregnant after stillbirth: the Norwegian Mother and Child Cohort Study.” BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth. 2018;18:377.

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Supportive Resources Selected by Vallen

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Books & Guides

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Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Lewis

An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken

The Worst Girl Gang Ever by Bex Gunn & Laura Buckingham

The Baby Loss Guide by Zoe Clark-Coates

Whole: Navigating the Trauma of Pregnancy Loss by Heather Dolson

Pregnancy Loss Affirmation Coloring Book

Pregnancy and Baby Loss Guided Journal

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Organizations & Support

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Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Remembrance Photography

Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Groups

Postpartum Support International (Hotline, Provider Directory & Resources)

Evelyn James & Co Support Guides

Return to Zero Retreats

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